In Times Which Seem Like Self-Psychotherapy He Says To Himself:Oh, Vienna

Novel: Times 1–4, Chapter 52 Will I be strong, will I change

Next morning I am sat in the airport, my flight is delayed by mist, and by fog, which I hear has also snarled up the highways. I am in no hurry. I sit, I gradually allow myself to fall into a contemplative state. What have I done, how on earth am I going to cope with seventeen days of telephone calls from Hildegarde.

Will I be able not to stray onto memories of our past situation. Will I be strong, will I change, what prevents the therapist from changing. How will Farica look upon such concentrated communication, between Hildegarde and myself. Will she be jealous, will she be jealous of me, or will she be jealous of Hildegarde.

What of Wilda; is she now out of my life for good, or on my return will she want to re-engage in our resurrection of Hildegarde, or will she want to pursue her previous bathroom antics with me.

Also what of Hildemar; I have left her a message, suggesting that she take Hildegarde to their chalet for a short break while I am away. I outline the telephone call system I have set up with Hildegarde, I say that she should give her due warning, before asking her to go anywhere, I add that Hildegarde might want to clear the trip with me.

And what of Dinah; no waiting, no longing, so little thought of her since last I saw her; yet here, sat in the airport departure lounge, I do feel the sap slowly rising. I just love her disturbance, I thank her right now in my mind for her interruption, for her distraction; I wonder should I make a telephone call.

But before I can action that my boarding begins. I am on my way to Berlin; I half expect, that soon also, I will be going to St Petersburg.